Warning: hyperboles enclosed. Spoiler alert. Act 1: The arrivals And so it began. The catwalk: Blondes Brunettes Black cars Ball gowns Boobs Beers With some legs, giggles, and Marilyn Munroe-esque “Oh hello Mr Bachelor”’s thrown in. We know it’s all about the first impression. You.have.got.to.make.a.good.first.impression.otherwise.no.rose. No.rose.means.no.happy.ever.after. Must.get.rose. Cue music: harps, piano, light cymbal Voice over as Girl walks down the red carpet toward the bachelor. “I’m just so ready to meet the Bachelor. I’m ready to find love.” Cut away. Mr Bachelor. Penguin suit. Hands crossed. Stubble. Smile. “Wow look at that dress! You look beautiful.” …stunning.” …gorgeous.” …heavenly.” …charming.” Shoot, I’ve ran out of adjectives, I’ll just repeat them again. “Look at that dress, you look beautiful.” “Nervous, me? No. Never,” said half the girls. “Nervous, me? Yes. Please don’t feel my hands,” said the remaining girls. Post introduction interviews: “Yes I definitely think I we had a connection,” said every girl “Tall, dark and handsome, that’s my kind of man.” Before we move on, a quick wrap of the girls: Regular jobs: teacher, vet, nurse, sales, marketing. Job titles that suggest some, ah, editorial improvisation: Aspiring film maker Marketing graduate Motivational speaker Charity worker The ice breakers: Outfits Cupcakes Drawings A few cold ones Common ground compass: “OMG, me too…we have SO much in common.” Language lessons Tap dancing Act 2: The mingle And that’s everyone. Places please. Andrew G Osher Günsberg arrives. “Welcome ladies.” Bachelor walks in. *squeals of excitement.* Leather couches. Fabric dividers. Wicker outdoor lounge chairs. Sweeping deck. Luscious green lawn. Gazebo for alone time with Mr Bachelor. Girls mingle around mini firehazard infested house. Like actually, one girl’s dress lights on fire. (Apologies for the brevity of this act, Bella got a new jumper. Check Instagram – soon. It’s having a mental health day today.) Act 3: The complication Insert riveting television of women drinking champagne, watching Mr Bachelor have alone time with each of his haram. Sandra – the crazy one slash the one the producers chose to make it interesting: “So let’s bitch.” Passive token ethnic contestant Reshael: “No let’s not.” Sandra: “Don’t be boring.” Reshael: “I’m not being boring, I’m being nice.” Sandra: “Bitches, be bitchy. Don’t be a bitch to me though.” Sandra to everyone: “OMG Reshael like totally went off at me.” Words of wisdom woman: “You should take it up with her to clear the air.” Sandra: “Excuse me everyone.” I like to think of her as the mole. Intermission – The Bachelorette coming soon. s l o w sensual music increases. It’s all blurred. Who is it? Camera cuts to a close up. An arm? A knee? A shoulder? Heck, any joint is suspenseful at the moment. It cuts. It’s her. No one liked her anyway. Fans. Red fabric. A short dress. She has dark hair now. Yes, friends, it’s Sam Frost. Act 4: The desperation Back to the Bachelor. Girls competing for a man is much more entertaining, then men competing gladiator style. Bombshell: Girl 5 has a daughter. A nine-year-old-daughter! First rose is awarded. This.be.real.now. The girls who hadn’t had alone time start to panic. Yoga in ball gowns. Lumberjack Tessa has had enough of the ball gown. Cue casual clothing. Cue shock. Dramatic exit from girl in red. Tears. “Six girls like totally jumped my alone time with Bach-y!” The new twist – the white rose – is given to girl in sequin black dress. Act 5: The rose ceremony Emotional rose ceremony. Girl 1, looking dreamly in to Bachelor’s eyes, “Yes, I’ll accept this rose.” Kiss on cheek. Girl 2, looking dreamly in to Bachelor’s eyes, “Yes, I’ll accept this rose.” Kiss on cheek. Girl 3, looking dreamly in to Bachelor’s eyes, “Yes, I’ll accept this rose.” Kiss on cheek. Girl 4, looking dreamly in to Bachelor’s eyes, “Yes, I’ll accept this rose.” Kiss on cheek. Girl 5 – 16. Cut to last red rose. Cut to puppy dog eyes. Producers. Longer. Longer pause. Suspense. Okay now. “Sandra.” “Girl 18, 19. The tribe has spoken. – Ooops wrong show, Survivor ended a decade ago – You have not received a rose. It is time to leave, please say your goodbyes.” Hugs. Kisses. It’s all very emotional after sharing so long together – 3 hours. “I’ll miss you all.” Please note creative license has been used and quotes may not appear as verbatim. But as Sandra showed us, accurate representations of situations are what makes it all worth watching. This will the one and only recap of the Bachelor I will ever do. I’ll never get those two hours back. It will be the only episode of the Bachelor I will watch. Ever. Care to share?Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)
If you’ve ever been traumatised by the white tube of death, you’ll understand. On Tuesday, after three months on consistent pain, a specialist with an OAM (#legit) finally told me I’d earned an MRI. Woo! (I’ll spare you the story that involved 13 phone calls to get a bulk billed MRI that wasn’t in May, but know I totally #crushedit) A quick trip down the Hume to Bowral, checking ‘no’ for every box on the poorly formatted, photocopied one-to-many-times form and then a 40min wait (I mean seriously, appointments were invented to avoid waiting), and I found myself babe-in’ it a hideous smashing canary gown walking towards it. It looked the same as the one in the brochures I’ve made, the website I’ve edited and the video I uploaded. But I’ll tell you it sure looked a whole lot more friendly when a cute kid pushed his teddy through it. (0:43) “No, I don’t have any metal bits in my body” – for the fifth time. “No, no pacemaker.” “Yes, my hairtie is metal free.” “Hop up here…Shimmy down further…Legs in here,” he said before Velcro-ing the baby-making-organ protector on my stomach. Oh no, my legs are totally uneven. So not going to be able to stay like this. :: Awkwardly attempt to adjust foam leg holders while strapped to a bed :: Nope, that totally didn’t work. Perhaps I’ll try again. :: Awkward lean that makes the actually injury hurt. :: Screw it, I guess I’ll cope. Hands on chest? Hands above head? Oo tough choice. Hands above head. Yes, this is good. “Okay it will take about 30minutes, so just stay very still and I’ll see you soon.” Okay, calm. Still. Don’t move. Heck, telling me to stay still is like asking the fat kid not to eat the last donut. Woah this is hard. My stomach is moving. The baby-making-organ protector is moving from my breathing. Maybe I’m breathing too hard. Yes, good idea, shallower breaths. Crap, it’s still moving. Okay perhaps breathing is okay. Mel! Of course breathing is okay – they cannot not let you breath. Idiot, Mel. Hmm I wonder how long it’s been. Mel – it’s been like 30 seconds, the noises have barely begun. Ooo air blowing on me. I really should have gone to the toilet before this. Damn it, I already have pins and needles in my foot. Totally should have persisted on the leg foam readjustments. Crap. I just moved. I wonder how big that leg twitch was. I hope I haven’t screwed up this whole thing. Damnit. “Dear God, help me stay calm and still.” Wow, this is taking a lot of concentration. Think of something else. Yes, good idea: brainstorm. Nothing to click or tap. Brainstorming was definitely a bad idea. Cannot make repetitive movements. Wow, I must actually be the most annoying person to be around. I cannot stay still. Dead arms. Need to move arm. Lost all feeling. I wonder if it’s okay to move my fingers. Your fingers aren’t even in the stupid tube, of course you can move your fingers. Since when were fingers connected to your hip bones. :: moves fingers :: Ah the relief. I still have fingers. Something else.  I need something else to block out the weird air blowing and mechanical beat making. Quick Mel, think of something. Pray. Brilliant, Mel. You slept in a missed your quiet time this morning. Praying is a great idea. Wait, why didn’t I think of this 2000+ bleeps ago. #guilty :: Prays assortment of prayers :: Okay surely this is going close to 30mins now. Beep #50081. Beep #50082 Beep #50083. :: Silence :: Oh my goodness, I reckon totally aced this. I wonder if it’s over. :: Silence :: :: Technician suddenly appears to remove the ear muffs. :: “You did very well staying still. We got great images.” I won! It’s over! Arrive home and shamelessly tell of my bravery non-moving accomplishment to my sister. Laura: “You do realise they take multiple images because people move.” 😳 Care to share?Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)Click to share on Pinterest (Opens in new window)Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)