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Warning: hyperboles enclosed. Spoiler alert.

Photo of the cast of The Bachelor

Act 1: The arrivals

And so it began. The catwalk:
Black cars
Ball gowns
With some legs, giggles, and Marilyn Munroe-esque “Oh hello Mr Bachelor”’s thrown in.

We know it’s all about the first impression.

Cue music: harps, piano, light cymbal
Voice over as Girl walks down the red carpet toward the bachelor.
“I’m just so ready to meet the Bachelor. I’m ready to find love.”

Cut away. Mr Bachelor. Penguin suit. Hands crossed. Stubble. Smile.

“Wow look at that dress! You look beautiful.”
Shoot, I’ve ran out of adjectives, I’ll just repeat them again.
“Look at that dress, you look beautiful.”

“Nervous, me? No. Never,” said half the girls.
“Nervous, me? Yes. Please don’t feel my hands,” said the remaining girls.

Post introduction interviews:
“Yes I definitely think I we had a connection,” said every girl
“Tall, dark and handsome, that’s my kind of man.”

Before we move on, a quick wrap of the girls:
Regular jobs: teacher, vet, nurse, sales, marketing.
Job titles that suggest some, ah, editorial improvisation:

  • Aspiring film maker
  • Marketing graduate
  • Motivational speaker
  • Charity worker

The ice breakers:

  • Outfits
  • Cupcakes
  • Drawings
  • A few cold ones
  • Common ground compass: “OMG, me too…we have SO much in common.”
  • Language lessons
  • Tap dancing
Act 2: The mingle

And that’s everyone. Places please.
Andrew G Osher Günsberg arrives. “Welcome ladies.”
Bachelor walks in. *squeals of excitement.*

Leather couches. Fabric dividers. Wicker outdoor lounge chairs. Sweeping deck. Luscious green lawn. Gazebo for alone time with Mr Bachelor.

Girls mingle around mini firehazard infested house. Like actually, one girl’s dress lights on fire.

(Apologies for the brevity of this act, Bella got a new jumper. Check Instagram – soon. It’s having a mental health day today.)

Act 3: The complication

Insert riveting television of women drinking champagne, watching Mr Bachelor have alone time with each of his haram.

Sandra – the crazy one slash the one the producers chose to make it interesting: “So let’s bitch.”
Passive token ethnic contestant Reshael: “No let’s not.”
Sandra: “Don’t be boring.”
Reshael: “I’m not being boring, I’m being nice.”
Sandra: “Bitches, be bitchy. Don’t be a bitch to me though.”

Sandra to everyone: “OMG Reshael like totally went off at me.”
Words of wisdom woman: “You should take it up with her to clear the air.”

Sandra: “Excuse me everyone.”

I like to think of her as the mole.

Intermission – The Bachelorette coming soon.

s l o w sensual music increases. It’s all blurred. Who is it? Camera cuts to a close up. An arm? A knee? A shoulder? Heck, any joint is suspenseful at the moment. It cuts. It’s her. No one liked her anyway. Fans. Red fabric. A short dress. She has dark hair now. Yes, friends, it’s Sam Frost.

Act 4: The desperation

Back to the Bachelor. Girls competing for a man is much more entertaining, then men competing gladiator style.

Bombshell: Girl 5 has a daughter. A nine-year-old-daughter!

First rose is awarded.

The girls who hadn’t had alone time start to panic. Yoga in ball gowns. Lumberjack Tessa has had enough of the ball gown. Cue casual clothing. Cue shock.

Dramatic exit from girl in red. Tears. “Six girls like totally jumped my alone time with Bach-y!”

The new twist – the white rose – is given to girl in sequin black dress.

Act 5: The rose ceremony

Emotional rose ceremony.

Girl 1, looking dreamly in to Bachelor’s eyes, “Yes, I’ll accept this rose.” Kiss on cheek.
Girl 2, looking dreamly in to Bachelor’s eyes, “Yes, I’ll accept this rose.” Kiss on cheek.
Girl 3, looking dreamly in to Bachelor’s eyes, “Yes, I’ll accept this rose.” Kiss on cheek.
Girl 4, looking dreamly in to Bachelor’s eyes, “Yes, I’ll accept this rose.” Kiss on cheek.
Girl 5 – 16.
Cut to last red rose.
Cut to puppy dog eyes.

Producers. Longer. Longer pause. Suspense. Okay now.


“Girl 18, 19. The tribe has spoken.Ooops wrong show, Survivor ended a decade ago – You have not received a rose. It is time to leave, please say your goodbyes.”

Hugs. Kisses. It’s all very emotional after sharing so long together – 3 hours. “I’ll miss you all.”

Please note creative license has been used and quotes may not appear as verbatim. But as Sandra showed us, accurate representations of situations are what makes it all worth watching.

This will the one and only recap of the Bachelor I will ever do. I’ll never get those two hours back. It will be the only episode of the Bachelor I will watch. Ever.